Another day, another dollar

Whining again (though, it still technically counts as writing, right?) about work...

Here I am with a perfectly good job -- nearly making a decent wage. So, why is it that I still complain about what's wrong with my job instead of what's right with it? Is it my incessant perfectionism? That I cannot tolerate a job that is anything short of perfect? Or that I cannot help but deconstruct everything about the job so that nothing remains meaningful or worthwhile?

I used to leave jobs whenever the irritation boiled over so much or so often that I would be actively looking for ways to avoid work. Made sense to me - after all, if I hated a job so much that I didn't even want to be there, then that really wasn't the career path for me, was it? Leaving a job (after a day, after three weeks, after a couple months...) became so commonplace that my brother used to say to me, after I told him I left one job, "Why'd you leave, Heidi? Didn't like the wallpaper?"

He probably wasn't too far from the truth. Granted, my reasons were never that ludicrous, but they were definitely borderline lame. Now it seems that I've moved past this problem (read as: excuse not to persevere), I seem to have developed a rather terrible habit of whining about work.

It's not even the work itself I don't like. It's when people don't know what they're doing (despite being told repeatedly) and their idiocy or laziness affects my job. I don't like to be weighed down with extra work that could easily have been avoided had someone else put an ounce of pride into their own work. I have zero patience for that. I also cannot stand when people ask me the same dumb question over and over again. Now, mind you - I don't have a problem with an honest question (i.e., one that is asked after the questioner has done some basic thinking or research). I welcome them. What I absolutely detest is being asked (or expected!) to think FOR someone else. UGH.

Boy, I sure am crabby about things. Can you tell I am having some major annoyances at work? Oh well, I do try very hard to self-talk my way into pacification - it just doesn't always work so well (and certainly not always quickly!).

Back to my first point - why am I so annoyed with work when all I should be is thankful that I am working at all? Is it possible to be annoyed for 40 hours a week and still be grateful for being allowed at least to be getting paid for the week? Perhaps I will never be that kind of person. Perhaps I will forever be dissatisfied with imperfection.

Maybe that's the point. And maybe that's not such a bad thing...

Ok, so it's been awhile...

Yes, as per usual, it's been months and months since I've posted anything to what could laughably be called my 'blog.' Still...

I don't even know what to write about anymore, but I just know that I need to get something out there. Do you ever get that feeling? That feeling that you are just bursting with something, but can't quite put your burst-i-ness into words? I get that all the time, actually. I feel like I am always on the edge of amazing, but always end up somewhere around mediocre.

I expect I'd like to talk about my favorite daydream. My favorite daydream begins with the presumption that I've just won the lottery (isn't everybody's?). Stop me if this sounds familiar...

I want to buy 2000 acres somewhere in Montana or Idaho maybe. Somewhere stunning. Somewhere I can be absolutely isolated - no neighbors! what a dream! I want, of course, the perfect house customized exactly how I want it.

The first thing I want is to be able to be completely energy self-sufficient. I would think that with 2000 acres, I should be able to have a wind or solar farm to collect energy (and donate excess energy to the nearest town) for a generator or two. I want to have hot-water heat that goes beneath the floor and through the walls. I never want to feel a draft, so I want the best insulation. I also want a water reservoir that is eco-friendly. Something simple, but I want a large composter so that waste is recycled and introduced into the gardens as high-grade fertilizer. Though I know very little about the 'green' movement, I know it makes sense and the investment - no matter how high - would be worth it in the long run.

Definitely one-story. Maybe 3500 square feet, nothing too ridiculous. 4 bedrooms, 3 baths - one with a nice deep sunken bath and another with a tall clawfoot tub. A chef's kitchen with a glass sliding door refrigerator, marble and bamboo countertops, an island large enough to have 4 stools so friends can visit comfortably, and lots and lots of storage space for all the cool gadgets and foodstuffs I'm bound to have.

I want three living rooms (front room, living room, sitting room). The front room would be - ahem - in the front of the house, with bay windows where you could sit and admire the landscape. The living room would have a state-of-the-art television, stereo, and sound system (which I would want wired throughout the house) and the comfiest couches and chairs imaginable. The sitting room would be just that - a sitting room, no electronics - just a room conducive to discussion, to games, to puzzles, to any past-time that is 'quieter.'

Definitely need a large library and a solarium. I always was partial to having the solarium in the very center of the house, around which would be a small courtyard before the entrance. So, I suppose, in the true sense, it would be a greenhouse, not a solarium. The only thing I cannot figure out is how to get rid of all the snow and debris that would collect from the courtyard that's open-to-the-elements. I'm sure there's an engineer or architect out there who knows all about it, though. Besides, this is my daydream, so I just presume there's an answer for everything - that's what daydreams are for, really - dreaming the impossible becomes possible.

An indoor swimming pool, sauna, hot tub, and gym would be a must. I'd also like an outdoor fireplace with a lovely bricked patio that is partially covered. It would be nice to be away from the worst elements, but still to be able to see the stars if it's nice out. Definitely a lovely courtyard with a beautiful brick path through what will be the most amazing garden. I want a quiet place that is almost sacred.

I want a really long driveway and a beautiful gate at the entry. I'd also love to have a small landing strip so that should anyone (me included) every choose to go for a small jaunt, it's but minutes away. I'd have to have a pilot on standby I guess as I could never imagine learning to fly.

On the grounds at locations chosen specifically for their beauty, I want to have stop-overs. For instance, picnic grounds with fire pits and an oversized gazebo. Perhaps I could hold my first family reunion there. And, I would love to have a basketball court, tennis court, movie theater, quiet pond with a nice, wooden bridge across it, several gardens, and a stable (with horses, of course, tended by someone truly gifted with animals). Also, I'd want a forested area with a wood-chip path running at least a 3-mile circuit. With these amenities, if any of my guests would be up for some fun activities away from the house, they could have several options from which to choose.

So I can have visitors without feeling stressed, I would have to have three guest cottages, each about 1500 square feet. One for more 'permanent' guests (because if you win the lottery, you know that family and friends will want to stay) and two for casual visitors. Each would have to have two bedrooms, two baths, a living room with a fireplace, and a large kitchen. Lastly - and you may think it strange - I want each cottage to be connected underground to the main house. If it's bad weather, I don't want anyone to have to think twice about coming for a visit. Too, as I'm sure my mom will be living in one of the cottages, I don't want her to have to worry about stumbling as she walks.

There are many finishing touches I would like to add, but these are the broad strokes -- the musts should this daydream come through.

Lovely Thought

I've come across a lovely quote by Oscar Levant, the brilliant composer, pianist, and regular panelist on the radio show, "Information Please."

"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember."

I realize that the quote could be taken quite depressively, but I choose to ruminate on it fondly, considering the nostalgic amplification effect of the day-to-day happenings in our lives. It really makes me feel grateful for the later appreciation I'll have for the days that are boring, challenging, or irritating right now. Perspective is everything.

Another New Quote

I found this nice quote among my imdb'ing:

"The art of conversation lies not only in saying the right thing at the right time, but in leaving unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." (John Charles Daly, former journalist and host of What's My Line?)

It seems rather appropriate for me to consider, given that I always end up putting my foot in my mouth or being indecently frank. Words to the wise, as it would.

Stats Grade

YAY! I'm finally done with statistics and, in fact, I got an A. That's really amazing, given that, while I had a good understanding of most of the materials, my papers, problem solutions, and quizzes were certainly not evident of that. Still, an A is an A.

Now, my next class is Finance and I am dreading it. I hope I do as well. Perhaps with a little guidance from my finance-minded brother, I'll be able to do well. Wish me luck.

Fond Hopes

I wish I could be the writer that I know I want to be inside. That's all I ever think about is writing - I want to make an impact on people's lives - the way that so many authors have touched me. I don't know if my problems are really putting up roadblocks for me or if I just don't have it in me or if I am just one excuse after another.

Maybe one day instead of trying to figure it out, I'll just get down to actually writing!

Happily Ever Before

A premise for some writing I was considering. I have quite a bit of the broad strokes figured out, but what I need is to actually get writing. I don't know what revelation I'm waiting for or what pinnacle in my life I have to reach before I actually get started, but somethings gotta happen soon - it's just killing me inside. Every day I think about writing - in the morning, at night, it doesn't matter. When I watch movies, I pay attention to dialogue - predictable though most of it may be - when I listen to conversations and/or people watch, I pay attention to their movements, their reactions, the way they interact with one another - it's all got to be leading up to something, right?